


Fade To Black - A Berena Story

by Alielp



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 10:58:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8486740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alielp/pseuds/Alielp
Summary: This is my version of a happily ever after.  The major character death was sadly unavoidable, but despite that, this is supposed to be a feel good story!





	

The cool morning air woke Bernie.  It seemed she had kicked the covers down at some point in the night.  Usually Serena pulled them back up, but not this time.  Bernie stretched as best she could.  The aches she felt in her joints were standard these days, it would be a stranger morning if she _couldn’t_  feel them.  She wiggled her body to try and turn over, no longer was it a smooth and elegant move, after a particularly bad night it could take full minutes for her to move.  Ah, the price of aging.  We all fall to it in the end.

She finally finished working her way on to her other side, until she could see Serena, lying next to her in bed.  Bernie brushed a wisp of her snow white hair out of her face.  Serena’s hair was a steely grey, still thick and full, unlike her own fine locks.  A smile curved Bernie’s lips, the discomforts of the years forgotten for a moment as she looked at the face of the woman she had loved so well, and for so long.  Serena looked so peaceful.  Moments of peace like this were rare – like Bernie, she had become subject to the aches and pains that age brought.  Arthritis had cast its shadow, and poor Serena had days now where she was reliant on pain medication to be able to move at all.

Bernie reached out a hand to rest it gently across Serena’s chest.  She loved this woman so much, she could scarcely recall a time when the threads of their lives weren’t woven so tightly together.  The smile that graced her mouth upon waking each morning froze in place.  Bernie concentrated on her hand for a moment.  Serena felt too cool to the touch.  More than that, there was no regular rise and fall of her chest.  Bernie’s hand moved from Serena’s chest to her neck, desperately searching for a pulse.  There was none there.  Tears filled Bernie’s eyes, and she felt a huge weight of darkness knot in her chest.  “Oh, my darling.  My beautiful, beautiful wife.  How could you leave me?”  The tears spilled down her cheeks.  They had both known that this day, or one very like it, was coming.  The foreknowledge of inevitability did nothing to lessen the pain that racked Bernie’s body, as her heart felt as if it would shatter into a million pieces.

She knew what she needed to do, but she needed more time.  More time with Serena.  There hadn’t been enough time, there never could have been enough.  She needed more mornings waking up to Serena’s embrace.  More evenings listening to her voice, sharing her laughter, wrapped in the warmth and love that was so uniquely her.  She couldn’t bear to let her go, couldn’t bear to say goodbye just yet.  She moved her aching body closer to Serena’s, pulling the covers up over them both and wrapping herself around her lover as if she could pour warmth back into the chilled form.

“Such happiness”, she thought.  “So many happy years”.  What was it? 41? No, 42 now.  Serena would have remembered instantly.  Despite the pains in her body, her mind had remained as sharp as a tack.  Bernie had been the one who had begun to suffer forgetfulness.  She could still remember the big things, the important ones.  It was the little things which slipped just out of her grasp.  She willed her mind to work for her now, as she thought back over the years she and Serena had shared together, desperate to remember every moment, savour every second.  It was to be all she had left.

Bernie thought back to when she had met Serena for the first time.  Serena had been having some problem – her car?  Bernie seemed to recall so.   Bernie had been having an awful day.  She had been struggling with her decision to work on her marriage with Marcus, missing Alex, missing the Army generally.  And not doing so well at the politics which seemed to underscore every move in the NHS.  She had been about ready to jack it all in and run away again.  But in that moment, she had heard a voice, looked up, and seen a vision.  Serena was one of the sexiest women she had ever seen, or heard.  Bernie had been unable to stop herself from approaching Serena, meeting her properly.  She recalled how their first brief conversation had turned her whole day around – her whole decision to walk away from Holby.  They had had many brief moments following that first time, where their paths crossed, before they got to know each other properly.  And at every single one, Bernie was struck by how gorgeous Serena was.  Her face, her voice, her body.  Her huge, welcoming heart.  Even all these years later, after the ravages of time had left its mark, Serena was still the most perfect woman Bernie could imagine.  But oh, back then...

She thought about their first kiss.  The moment that had turned her world upside down.  Rocked to the core at the intensity of her desire and affection for the woman before her.   She had tried so hard to put it behind her, concerned that she had overstepped a bound with Serena, and desperate not to lose her friendship lest she lost her all together.  She had thought that friendship would be enough, but what a fool she had been!  Her days and nights were tormented with the recall of Serena’s kiss upon her lips, her eyes, her smile.  Avoiding Serena hadn’t helped either, if anything it had made the daydreams more vivid.  And then, the second kiss.  If she had thought the first was intense, the second had been electric.  She had never felt so much for another person before, and it had terrified her.  It had made her run.

Bernie’s thoughts skipped ahead, recalling vividly the day she had become brave enough to discover how wonderful life could be.  Walking away from her miserable days in Kiev, to return to Serena.  Serena had been so hurt, but so generous with her forgiveness.  It had been more than Bernie had expected, more than she had dreamed of.  It had been another reminder of how extraordinary Serena was, and how unbelievably honoured Bernie felt to have won her heart.

Their life together had been truly amazing, truly blessed.  42 years filled with warmth, love and laughter.  And plenty of Shiraz!  Bernie allowed herself a small smile at the thought.  There had been fights too, but there had also been reconciliation.  And the arguments had been rare, the love a constant.  She had experienced happiness in excess of anything she could have dreamed of.  Once she had thought that life was a path filled with pain and hurt, but Serena had taught her that soul mates really did exist, and she was to this day still in awe that she had been lucky enough to have found hers.

Their perfect life had been big enough to include others too – their wonderful family.  Although neither woman had been as close to their children as they would have liked when first they met, time had healed rifts and perceived slights.  Proximity through working together had done a great deal to forge a strong bond between Bernie and Cameron, and then later, the starting of their own families had happily brought both of their daughters closer to them. 

Jason had always been such a big part of their lives, too, even after he had moved into the assisted living unit, he had spent so much of his time with them.  The accident, losing Jason, had devastated Serena.  It had been by far the hardest time they had gone through together.  But they _had_ got through it, and ultimately, coming through those darkest of days had only cemented their love for each other even more.

With Elinor, Cam and Charlotte all now parents themselves (and in some cases, grandparents), Bernie and Serena had enjoyed a very active participation in their grandchildren’s’ lives, loving babysitting duties as they each secretly imagined how it could have been if they had been together from a far younger age, and actually raised their own babies together.  Christmases had been their favourite times of all.  Even Bernie, who had never quite bought into the whole festive cheer thing, agreed.  Those few days each year, surrounded by their entire families at once, cuddling a child or two in her own arms, whilst watching their other small grandchildren climbing all over Serena’s lap, vying to be the closest one to her, to be the recipient of her snuggles and attention, her warmth, affection, and the light which seemed to shine out from her such a draw to them. 

Birthdays were another time that the families often congregated, taking the opportunity to revel in the ties of devotion that bound them all together, always watched over by Serena as the ever loving matriarch.  Oh god, how would she remember all the birthdays without Serena?  How would she even tell Elinor?  The grandchildren?  She couldn’t think about it, not yet.  She wasn’t ready.   In a while.  Just a little longer before she had to deal with practicalities.

So many people had been a part of their life together.  Family, friends, colleagues.  Some still around, others gone, and many more lost to the haziness of time.  But such a life they had shared.  Free days spent taking the longest walks, searching out tiny local pubs to lunch and share a bottle of wine.  Cooking meals together, sometimes triumphantly, sometimes disastrously, but always filled with laughter and companionship.  Cold evenings snuggled up under a blanket on the sofa, holding hands and talking for hours.  And then later, moving to the bedroom...  Then in later years, as the aches and pains began to catch up with them, their walks together grew shorter, their resting time between, longer.  Extravagant recipes were put aside for simple fare, snuggling became simply sitting beside each other, thought still in contact, still holding hands.  But the love, desire and affection never waned.  Not for a single moment.  For 42 years, Serena had been her whole world.  Everything she could ever want – her heart, her soul, her paradise.  How could she go on without her?  She couldn’t imagine waking in the morning without Serena beside her, couldn’t imagine living a life where one half of her being had been ripped away.  But she knew she could not escape from this moment.  She knew there were things she had to do.

Just a few moments more, then she would move, make arrangements.  Just a few moments more...  Bernie held Serena tighter than ever, laying her head upon Serena’s cold breast, closing her eyes.  She slowed her breathing, focusing on her own heartbeat.  She began to count the beats.  The long, slow count.   Marking off the moments until she could be with Serena again.

**Author's Note:**

> I played with the idea of doing this through Serena’s thoughts, having found Bernie gone – however ultimately I felt it had to be Bernie’s point of view. Serena, although undoubtedly devastated, would survive a loss better than Bernie – Serena’s heart is so big and open, whereas Bernie is so closed off, and to have let someone in to the extent she did Serena, the loss would be catastrophic.
> 
> Although it’s sad, and I admit I cried whilst I wrote it, this was actually supposed to be a celebration of the many, many extremely happy years this OTP shared. I guess this is my happily ever after. Because after all – there is no other possible ending . Every happily ever after must be succeeded with a 'until the end of their days...'


End file.
